Your book is all about being authentic, which makes me wonder, does playing hard-to-get ever have a place when dating?

by Simone Kornfeld


Absolutely. Think of it less as you “playing” hard-to-get, and more about the simple fact that you ARE hard to get. And why are you hard to get? Because as a self-realizing woman you’ve got a full, rich, compelling life that’s already intact when you meet men. Priority numero uno is taking care of your full, rich, compelling life, not dropping everything to fall at the feet of the latest beard that’s pounding on your door. Acting authentically means that you authentically respond if he’s asking for your attention. Sometimes that response will be “Yes, I’m free as a bird tonight, let’s paint the town red!” And sometimes the response will be, “Actually, I’ve got plans with my best friend/need a night alone/I’m just not available this evening.” Sometimes you will respond immediately to his text because you know exactly what you want to say, other times you’ll wait to respond because you don’t feel like it, or you want to percolate with it for an hour or two. And sometimes you might take a little while to get back simply because it builds some enigmatic sexy tension, and that feels true to you in the moment. If you’re not feeling particularly hard to get, and actually feeling a desperate need to cling to him, this could be a good time to purposely make space.  Resist the temptation to fall down the rabbit hole fantasy that he’s going to save you from the work of life and meet your every need. Remember to keep cultivating your relationship with yourself. Desperation is never sexy. Hard-to-get is the exact opposite of desperate which is why it runs so deep in the annals of dating history.

(*Caveat: There are times when it’s ON. When you and the guy are falling, tumbling, diving headlong into love. In this case hard-to-get has no place. You’re already on a plane to Paris together. You’ve already called in sick for the entire workweek because the exploration of this undeniable attraction is inevitable. If this is happening, surrender to it. Speak all your utterances of love, text every two seconds, bare every bit of your soul. It only happens once in a blue moon, so go ahead and give yourself to every moment, no holds barred.)