I’m totally crazy about this guy I been seeing. He’s the 1 for me. I loved him from the moment we met. He’s a trucker but I trust him with all my heart. I want to have him all to myself, but he wants to be just friends, with sex of course, but I think he’s just doing this as he’s been hurt b4. I told him I adored him and wanted more. It seems like he don’t want to leave and does. What can I do to make him stay in my life always? He’s just awesome and I think he loves me but hasn’t said it yet. We have great times together and I’m so happy to see him I can hardly breathe. Plz help me keep him. I don’t want nobody else in my life ever again, just him.
What a beautiful open heart you have! We are so touched by your affection for your Trucker, and your candid declaration of this love. And we feel you! We have both fallen head over heels for men that resist commitment even though there's clearly a very special connection. It can be terribly frustrating when you see the potential in the partnership, but he shies away.
The first order of business, before you take action with him, is to get crystal clear on the type of relationship you want to be in (whether or not it's with him). It sounds like you want to have a fun, playful, exclusive partnership that you can invest your heart in for years to come. It sounds like you deeply value monogamy - that it's through this loyal commitment that you feel free and safe to love fully. Fantasize deeply about the feeling of being in your ideal partnership. Viscerally feel what it would give you. Believe that this is possible. Now let's move on to him...
There are various ways to approach such an unwieldy man so buckle up, cause we're gonna give you a couple routes you could choose to take. As you read on feel which option rings the truest, and remember that there is no way to make someone do something (unfortunately – it sure would make life easier!). You can only state your needs and wants clearly. You cannot control Trucker. Or anyone for that matter. But through being real and upfront, you have the highest chance of success.
That being said, here are some options...
1. Lay down the law: Tell him you can't just be friends with sex on the side. Describe the relationship you actually want to be in. Tell him you like him too much and it hurts your heart to know he can't be loyal to you. Let him know if he wants to be your sexual partner, you need exclusive commitment to feel safe and free. And then stick to it! Set your standard and stay strong. In this scenario you can send him the occasional text to remind him that you love him and miss him. But in-person meetings are not advisable, unless he's interested in talking turkey about a bigger commitment.
2. Go with it as it stands: acknowledge that you can't have it all from him right now and stay with the situation as it is. Keep building the friendship, and have the occasional sexual encounter if you want to. Find out if as time goes by your love grows or dwindles. You reserve the right to lay down the law at any moment. On the upside, you don't risk losing him. On the downside, you might feel perpetually unsatisfied.
Furthermore, dig deeper into your attraction to this unavailable man and ask yourself what your intense passion is all about. Sometimes when we have this kind of crazy desire for someone, it can signify love but it may also signify areas where we need healing. Intensity in romance is usually connected to past events and to messages we received from our father and mother.
So, was dad's love spotty and inconsistent? Does your Trucker’s come-and-go ways feel familiar? Did mom send you the message that you aren't worthy of a fully committed partner? Reread the chapter "Fundamentals of the Self-Realizing Flirt" in Smitten to probe these questions.
No matter which direction you choose, remember that with or without him, you will be okay. You don’t need him. If he can’t give you the relationship you want, there will be other men who can. If you part ways it will hurt, but you will survive. Do not forget that you are a fully awesome, totally beautiful and capable woman – with or without Trucker in your life.
In the meantime continue to fantasize about your perfect partnership in all its color and flavor. Focused thought is incredibly powerful. If you stay with your vision it will either come true with him, or with a different man who can party at your level.
We got your back. Xxx