I recently started seeing a new guy that I am completely smitten with. We have great chemistry and he treats me really well. The only catch is that he made it very clear that he has a serious girlfriend who he does not plan on breaking up with. Weirdly, I am okay with that. Am I doing something wrong?
Ooh the plot thickens…how interesting.Because you are both consenting adults, there isn’t anything wrong, per se, with this setup. Monogamy is the going trend but that doesn’t mean you have to follow it. There are many kinds of nontraditional relationship dynamics that work for people—open relationships, polyamory, triads, swingers. You can do, date and not date whomever you like in whatever way feels good to you. Respectably, your guy has been clear about his situation. If you accept this setup and are satisfied with it, wonderful.
Our question is does the girlfriend know? He’s been honest with you, but has he been honest with her? If only two of the three of you are on board, well that’s a different story. If she is in the dark, you need to evaluate if you are okay with being involved in a setup that involves deceit. If he is with you while lying to her about his whereabouts, how does this feel? Because he has no intention of leaving her she is a main player in the dynamic, whether you ever interact directly with her or not. You have had the freedom to choose him despite his limitations. Should she be offered the same?
Furthermore, as a self-realizing woman, it behooves you to examine what is attractive to you about this set-up. This isn’t about judgment, just curious self-awareness. What’s good about getting only half of your guy’s attention? What works about partial commitment and partial devotion? Do you not feel deserving of his entirety? Does this leave you free to do as you please? Would monogamy feel too scary, suffocating, saccharine? Are you secretly trying to “win” him in order to feel validated? What are your motivations, fears and fantasies compelling you toward this choice?
We realize we’ve offered more questions here than answers! Our apologies, but this situation is not black and white. Studying the details and pulling apart nuance is necessary when working in the grey. Ponder, journal, discuss with your people. Be thoroughly curious about the workings of You, without slipping into self-judgment or self-righteousness. Uncover your motivations, sit down with them, and feel deep down in your bones if they are truly working for you. Then get back to us. We’d love to hear how the plot unfolds…