I recently subletted an apartment for a month in Brooklyn in between apartments. I ended up living with a dude and we became fast friends. We spent lots of time together hanging out--watching TV in bed and passing out beside each other. I developed strong feelings for him but he was very reluctant to make things intimate. As time passed one thing led to another and we hooked up. I moved into my own place and now we continue to see each other once in a while and we usually end up hooking up (and its amazing! like really amazing). After wards he always seems a bit regretful. He texted me to say that it can no longer happen and we should be friends. I have really strong feelings for him and I'm not really sure how to feel or respond to him. What do I do?
Dear Reader, this is no bueno. Something is up with this guy. We can only speculate, but we know for certain there is something specific that is holding him back from being with a righteous babe like you. It could be: A) he has a secret girlfriend, B) he’s questioning his sexuality, C) he has a wife and children in Chile, D) he has an STD that he hasn’t disclosed, E) he has psychological/emotional issues he hasn’t worked through, or F) something else entirely. It appears that when you are together he can’t resist the temptation of you, but then moves into guilt because he knows he is somehow wronging you or putting you at risk. He likes you, he’s sexually attracted to you, he wants to ravage you, but he’s in conflict. Only when he is away can he reinstate his intimacy boundary.
So, do not take this personally. As we stated, you are a righteous babe. (And from the photo that came through with this question, a totally gorgeous righteous babe to boot!) His ambivalence is not a reflection of your worthiness. It is also not a reflection of your connection, as it seems there is a strong vibe between you two.
Our suggestion is to force the moment to its crisis. This means find out what is really going on. Next time you see each other, ask him straight out what the deal is. These conversations tend to go over best when you are emotionally unattached to the outcome and state your questions simply and directly. “Hey, I’ve noticed this pattern between us. I get the sense that I’m missing something or something is going on with you that you haven’t said. Is that true? For my own peace of mind, I would really like to know.” Open up the conversation in a neutral, non-accusatory way. He may or may not be able to give you an honest response. Either way, you’ll be more informed about how to proceed. When we force the moment to its crisis we risk losing what we had, but we also create an opportunity to raise the relationship to new levels of intimacy, truth and understanding.
Check out the Queen of Swords in the Tarot deck for inspiration on clear, honest, unemotional, direct communication. Put her in your back pocket when you go meet your dude. If you get scared, call on her for guidance…