Dear Smitten Ladies. I must admit something. I’m totally freaked out about giving blowjobs. I’ve tried and I just feel uncomfortable and grossed out. And I’m also worried that it’s a subjugating position for a woman. I don’t know what to do. I’m dating a man who is really sweet. Not at all pressuring me. But he wants to go down on me and I feel like I should be returning the favor. I don’t want to make him feel bad. But I just can’t get myself to go there. Am I allowed to not go down on my guy? Or does it make me a terrible prude?
Dear Reader, what a juicy topic! We are so happy you brought this up because it is tense turf for many ladies. First and foremost, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. In the bedroom or outside the bedroom. If you truly feel like you are being subjugated, you must discuss with your fellow how he behaves and the things he says that are making you feel dominated and controlled. Or talk to a therapist or good friend who can weigh in on if he’s not treating you right. Get perspective and go from there.
If, on the other hand, he is “really sweet” like you say and treats you with respect and adoration, perhaps we should take a closer look at your resistance to returning the pleasure favor he is so eagerly offering you. Women dehumanize men ALL THE TIME. We often treat men like they are feeling-less animals that are only out to ravage us and leave us for dead. Sure, there are a fistful of men out there who fit this profile—who think of women as “prey” and seek to conquer at any cost. But these guys really don’t even deserve the title “man.” They are an emotionally deficient subcategory of our species with grotesquely underdeveloped empathetic abilities, and teeny tiny egos that use sex to get the power they are unable to find through real world growth and accomplishment. Not sexy.
THEN there are a bunch of guys who are pretty cool. And they have penises. And it feels really amazing when they get to put their penis into someone’s mouth. And it feels even more amazing when that someone is enjoying providing them such pleasure. Basically, we’d like to plant this seed for you: Blowjobs can be fun. It’s fun to make someone you care about feel AMAZING. Making them feel good can even be a turn-on for you. It’s an exciting project to find the rhythms, pressure and buttons that will transform your tough strapping man into a puddle of bliss. You don’t have to take it too seriously. As long as you don’t bite your efforts will certainly be appreciated.
Also, offering oral to your man is a great strategy for intimacy maintenance during busy times. When you need a little connection boost but don’t have time for a full romp in the hay, the BJ is a great solution. For example, you haven’t been intimate for a while and your guy is all horny, trying to unbutton your blouse and lead you to the bedroom. You want to connect, because it’s important to your relationship, but what you want to do even more is go to your girlfriend’s apartment to do pedicures and watch Downton Abbey. What to do? Keep your shoes on. Sit him down on the couch. Tell him to whip that thing out. Then suck it like it’s a juicy mango on a scorching hot desert day, until he can’t help but explode like a geyser through an unknown fault line. And voila! Just a few moments later you’re fixing your lip-gloss, unlocking your car door and heading to your friend’s place with your relationship happily intact and enough time to catch last week’s recap before settling in to soak your feet and paint your toes. Genius!
The point is: a blowjob is just a blowjob is just a blowjob. The meaning comes from your relationship to whom it’s with, when and why you’re doing it. But it could be interesting, as an experiment in your own path of personal evolution to think of it as a lighthearted act of fun and connection—where you are in complete possession of yourself, and have all the control you could ever need. Considering the proximity of your teeth to his most precious part, who is actually in the more vulnerable position?