Question: I want to know the way of dialogue or words which must I say when I'm with my girlfriend to make them trust me and love me?
Have you ever heard the phrase “Talk is cheap”? Like most things in life, this wisdom is both true and not so true.
On the one hand, building love and trust requires more than an exchange of pretty words. It requires action. Following through on promises, showing up when you say you will and demonstrations of generosity are keystones to creating a loving bond.
On the other hand, love cannot be built without forging pathways of verbal communication. A recent article in the New York Times by Mandy Len Catron, discussed a curious experiment conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron. (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html) Two total strangers were brought together in a laboratory room and prompted to ask each other specific, personal questions about their hopes and heartaches, fears and families. Each partner was required to answer authentically and listen without judgment. Just frrom this intimate exchange, love blossomed between the participants. The couple ended up married six months later.
So perhaps talk is actually priceless.
In order to cover all your bases, we suggest a two-pronged approach with your girlfriend.
First, action. You must BE and BEHAVE trustworthy and lovingly. So start by checking in with yourself. Are your intentions with your girlfriend genuine? Do you regularly tell her the truth? Do you do what you say you will do? Do you act with kindness?
Second, communication. A common complaint amongst us women is that men don’t actually listen---they try to fix. Sometimes women just want to talk. They’re not looking for a solution to a problem, they just want to be heard. So if she’s discussing aspects of the anxiety she felt at her co-workers party last night, do your best to just be present with her story. Refrain from offering helpful suggestions unless she asks for them. Responding with phrases such as “That seems really hard” or “Wow, it sounds like you handled that really well” will let her know that you are hearing her, without judging her experience or jumping to your own conclusions.
Next, tune in to her energy and ask specific questions. Feel out if she seems upbeat, contemplative or down. Then openly share your perceptions and inquire. For instance, “Sweetheart, it’s wonderful to see you so bright and joyful today! What’s making you so happy?” Or, “Honey, I sense that you are deep in thought. Are you processing something important? Would you like to share?” Or, “Babe, you seem kinda sad. I’d love to hear what’s going on. Wanna talk about it?”
This shows that you see her and you care about what you see.
Don’t be afraid to discuss “deep” topics. Many of us believe that asking our partners about failures, breakups, traumas, family dysfunctions, fears and insecurities is NOT OKAY. Who would want to discuss such “downer” topics? In our opinion, we all do, especially with our loved ones. Yes our shadow sides and dark pasts are not the easiest to reveal. But the bottom line is that we all want to be accepted for our whole selves. Showing your girlfriend that you accept all parts of her—good, bad, ugly, hideous, wounded, and gracious—means that she is safe in your presence. From here true love can grow. Ask to see her whole self by asking questions that reveal more than what is considered presentable, nice, socially acceptable dinner conversation.
And never forget compliments. A genuine exclamation of your enthusiasm for her is always welcome. Regularly acknowledge what you find special/awesome/beautiful about your girl. Tell her “You are just so gorgeous in that sundress!” Or, “I love hearing you talk about astrophysics, tell me more!” Or, “No one makes a lemon pie like you girl, it’s just divine!”
Lastly, always encourage her to pursue her highest calling. If she has mentioned being entranced with Peruvian knitting techniques, encourage her to take a class. If she’s admitted her secret urge to try portrait drawing, get her a set of artist chalk for her birthday. Energetically and verbally support her expansion and growth. We love the people who help us continue to love ourselves and love our lives. Be that person to her.
Good luck and stay in touch!
xoxo Ariel & Simone