I tend to sleep with men on the first date. I want a relationship and this pattern isn’t helping me to get one. I know that my choice is partly induced by alcohol, but what else might it be about? I need insight to make a change.
We are going to make an educated guess here and say that your actions are motivated by a desire for love and acceptance. On a basic human level, we all want this, though some of us are more motivated by the need for love than others. A good friend of ours is one of these types. Her primary drive is the desire to receive love and affirmation from others. Not coincidently, she too has a history of sleeping with men on the first date. At first she thought she was just a natural born slut, but then after some focused self-discovery work she realized her main (much more innocent) motivation. She came to fully understand the reason behind her impulsive sexual behavior, and it suddenly changed. She is now in a three year committed relationship. No joke.
When you are motivated by the need for love, you automatically create a whole fantasy about the guy and what he will give you if you give it up. In the moment, you truly believe in the power of this fantasy, and yes, alcohol fuels this “magical thinking”. You go after your main goal by giving him what he wants—sex. To deny him this would mean you risk him leaving and “not loving you”. You can’t possibly take such a risk, so you acquiesce.
The problem with this setup up is that you don’t trust that YOU are enough. You don’t trust that of course you can receive love when you uphold your boundaries and don’t perfectly “please”. You’ve convinced yourself that you have to give up something to get something; that you aren’t lovable, desirable, deserving of commitment and dedication just as you are. This misguided idea can coax you straight into unfamiliar bedrooms and up against bathroom stalls time and again.
As a self-realizing woman we urge you to get in touch with the innocent motivations behind your actions. What do you imagine you will get back in those moments you decide to undress for him? What are you afraid will happen if you hop in a cab and head home instead? As a starting point, check out the Enneagram to learn more about your personality and what instinctively drives you (http://enneagramnewyorkcity.com). This knowledge was key in helping our aforementioned friend shift her patterns. Also, make a clear declaration before the date on when you will end it. Have a friend call to be sure you’re actually on your way to your own bed, alone. And lastly, perhaps most obviously, don’t drink too much! Save your drunken nights for when you are home alone with your cat or doing drunken Tarot readings with your girls.