Dating has been so frustrating lately! I have a history of short relationships where the guys were very romantic and attentive for a few weeks but then suddenly backed away or broke up with me. Each time left me confused and feeling used. There is never an explanation. I can't really pinpoint what I do wrong. Is this a pattern I should be aware of so that something can be changed about myself personally?
Let us start by saying we have both been in this situation and it totally sucks. To be hopeful and excited about a connection only to have it crumble to pieces can really cut you off at the knees. And it’s especially grueling when you’re not the one choosing to break it off.
First thing to remember is that if these guys are ending things, they are not the right guys for you. They may just be picking up on the disconnection first. This does not mean you are not a worthy, amazing, totally awesome babe. Sometimes it is because you are too much of these things that a guy will pull away. Simone was broken up with after a few weeks of dating a dude because she was “too witchy.” Even though the breakup hurt, would Simone ever want to be less witchy? No she would not. Her enchanted witchy depth is a quality she loves and values in herself. So clearly, he was not the right guy for her. Ariel was once broken up with for being too prolific in her work-life. Is Ariel interested in doing less so a guy can like her more? Give me a break.
Second, you could certainly ask for some information to gain clarity and understanding. It is absolutely within your right to directly inquire why a guy has broken things off. You can do this in a text, email or phone call. Simply say, “Hey, I respect your decision to end things. Though it would be really helpful for me as I go forward in the dating world to know why. Was there something that happened or something I did that made you back away? I’d love a candid response.” Be prepared to take the information in, but also take it with a grain of salt. This is one man’s subjective opinion. It has something to do with you, but really it’s mostly about his issues, triggers and needs. Do not obsess. Absorb what feels helpful then leave the rest.
Third, have a look in the relationship mirror for some perspective on your levels of need, and perhaps desperation about getting partnered. Men sniff out neediness and desperation a mile away. Are you trying to get close too quickly in order to lock him down? Are you feeling insecure and giving too much of yourself without expecting him to earn your trust and commitment? Furthermore, do you see this pattern anywhere in your past? Did you have a caretaker who was hot and cold, erratic or unpredictable with their love? Alcoholic or substance abusing parents can often be fervently adoring in moments of sobriety, contrasted with being totally removed as they delve into their substance and selves once again. Perhaps you are attracting a certain kind of guy based on your family relationship history.
See if you can suss out any patterns or threads to your past that could be triggering thoughts or “needs” that aren’t really true to your present self. Then when going forward into your next romantic involvement, keep a close eye on your behavior with him and how it links to your past. Hold back, pause and check in honestly with yourself before communicating. Don’t just give yourself away. By trying something new, you will garner new results. Guaranteed.