I dislike most of my boyfriend’s friends. We go out with them almost every weekend, even though he knows that I really dislike being around them. Every time I complain about it, my boyfriend and I get in a fight so I’ve decided to just let it go. How can I tell him I don’t want to be around his friends without starting a fight?
“A man is known by the company he keeps”. Ever heard this proverb, dear Reader? It’s a colloquial derivative of Solomon’s biblical warning, which seems to ring true in your situation. You love your boyfriend, but hate his friends. How is this possible? We are all reflections of those we are drawn to and those we choose to associate with. Your boyfriend reflects his friends on some level, and we are going to guess that you hate these qualities in him just as much as you hate them in his buddies.So what are these qualities? Why do you dislike being around these people? How do they make you feel? Are they critical, negative, close-minded, crass, angry or unaccepting? Do they tease you, ignore you, belittle you?
If so, we understand why you wouldn’t want to hang with this crowd. And you may not like to hear this, but we suspect that in some way, your boyfriend makes you feel the same. As evidenced by the fact that he becomes defensive when you speak up about your discomforts and refuses to acknowledge your feelings. As a self-realizing woman, we suggest taking a look in the relationship mirror and doing some brave investigative work. Get clear about how you may be projecting your anger on to the buddies, when it could actually be rooted in your relationship with your guy. Consider the reasons you attracted a partner that isn’t able to respond to your needs or compromise when you’re uncomfortable.
We also suggest that you voice specifically what you do not like. Instead of a general complaint, get specific by saying “Trevor rolls his eyes when I speak and talks over my words. It’s condescending and makes me feel diminished.” “Trisha makes snide remarks about my clothing. It feels humiliating to hang with her.” If he refuses to hear your logical explanation of why they make you feel bad and it again becomes a fight, this is GOOD INFORMATION. Clearly, he’s not willing to hear you and choosing to prioritize those people over you. So you must take a firm stand and stop hanging with those people. Do not subject yourself to ill treatment to please your boyfriend. That would be unacceptable. He can spend his time with whomever he chooses and so can you. Make other plans with your own friends. Go to parties with your crew, meet new people and do your own thing. If he doesn’t like it, too bad. As George Washington said, “It is far better to be alone than in bad company.”