I have a paradox I’d like you to help solve. On the one hand, the women I’ve been with have (rightly) asked for emotional intimacy, honesty, and self-disclosure. I’ve been willing to go there — ie I’ve made myself emotionally vulnerable. However, I’ve found that some women paradoxically can’t handle it, or shy away, or, at worst, find it off-putting. In other words when it comes down to it they find real emotional honesty challenging. They seem to prefer more distant, emotionally disengaged men. Have I just been with the wrong women? Or is there a better way to strike a balance between sexy intimacy and sexy remoteness?
It sounds like you’re getting a whole lot of mixed messages. Mixed messages are downright confusing. We gotta admit, these women are confusing us too… So when times get confusing, we suggest going back to the fundamental, unchanging source—yourself. This means that you have to do YOU. Always. You've got to offer up the level of emotional intimacy, honesty and personal disclosure that reflects the kind of communication that turns you on. You must function in the relationship the way that works for you, and sets the stage for the kind of connection you want to build. Period. What she does with it is her business, and always GOOD INFORMATION. Because if she can't party at your level, you don't wanna party with her.
However, there is a little caveat here. When you are open/vulnerable you must make sure you are operating from inner wholeness. If you are spilling your guts on the floor and expecting her to spoon them up and stuff them back inside you, this will lead to problems. It is entirely possible to be open, real and present but not burden the other person with all the nuances of you. Share/show: Yes. Shovel/dump: No.
So when you are communicating from your most honest place, be sure you aren't also expecting her to approve or take care of your gooey guts. You are showing the real stuff because you choose to live real, not because you need someone to hold your heavier stuff for you, which can lead to unhealthy co-dependence. Striking this balance will keep the ballsy bold real chicks in the game while weeding out the flighty flaky co-dependent dames. Capish?