I met someone in 2009. Over the years we became friends and only started dating on a romantic level within the last 6-9 months. We have been getting along quite well and developed this unexplainable passion. One thing he admits to like about me is my ability to make sound decisions. A few weeks ago I made a poor decision that interrupted the spark we have. To sum up what happened - we had arrived separately at an event, and loosely made plans to leave together. My ex-boyfriend was also at the event. When it was time to leave, I accepted a ride from my ex and came directly to my house. It was just a ride, nothing more! My new guy's friends were at the event, and the bottom line is he felt embarrassed, and he has lost trust. Even though we are past that episode somewhat, I feel as though the spark we had prior to that night has dwindled. Over the years that he chased me, I did not make it easy for him, but one poor decision changed things a little. Any suggestions on how to regain his trust and regain that incredible spark and chemistry? Thanks!
A couple questions: Why were your plans to leave with your new guy only “loose”? Did you see him at the event? If so, were you there as a couple, or is your relationship undefined? Did you feel like your new man wasn’t owning you as his lady? Did you have the urge to take the ride home with your ex because you didn’t feel like your new man was stepping up and taking care of you? Like there was ambiguity and perhaps you wanted to remind him that you have other options?
The sexy spark that comes with new romance is AMAZING but it can also be unreliable. At some point in life a strong breeze will come along, and will cause the flame to flicker, or even be blown out. Someone’s feelings get bruised, and the reality of your imperfect humanness kicks in. This is not wrong, it’s just reality. And if both partners want the relationship to continue, they need to face the less-sparkly facts of what that strong breeze churned up. We suspect that there are deeper truths in this dynamic, and the events of that fateful evening, that have not yet been explored. A ride home with your ex is never “just a ride, nothing more”, because the fact is, you let him play the role of your man for that short span of time. Even without swapping saliva, it was intimate and also a pointed choice by you, given your “loose plans” to leave with your new man. So what we REALLY want to know is: Why did you take the ride? We are pretty sure that you knew you were playing with fire, even if you aren’t admitting it to yourself yet. So, WHY? What need did you hope it would fill? What message did you want it to send?
The truth shall set you, and your man, free. And by “free” we don’t mean that you’ll be free of each other, we mean that it will free you to know/understand/love each other more deeply, to commit to the next phase of your relationship. A major part of the healing is humbly acknowledging your poor judgement, telling him that in retrospect you see that it was a big deal, that he is right for having hurt feelings. Telling him how hurt you’d feel if he drove his ex home. Then we dare you to drop your defenses and uncover the sweet, vulnerable, scary reason that you took the ride, and communicate with your new man your truest truth that’s way beneath the surface of this choice. Share your only-humanness with him. Make this painful experience a reason to deepen the bond, instead of sever it. Then start to build a whole fire together, instead of just dancing around that spark.