Question: I have been cheated on by both of my ex-husbands and boyfriends. People say....You are a bad picker of men, My first husband is on his 9th marriage. He cheats and that is how he gets his next wife. I was the only wife that he was single at the time of newly dating. He told me he loves NEW love...Read More
Question: I want to know the way of dialogue or words which must I say when I'm with my girlfriend to make them trust me and love me?
Have you ever heard the phrase “Talk is cheap”? Like most things in life, this wisdom is both true and not so true.
On the one hand, building love and trust requires more than an exchange of pretty words. It requires action. Following through on promises, showing up when you say you will and demonstrations of generosity are keystones to creating a loving bond.
On the other hand, love cannot be built without forging pathways of verbal communication. A recent article in the New York Times by Mandy Len Catron, discussed a curious experiment conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron. (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html) Two total strangers were brought together in a laboratory room and prompted to ask each other specific, personal questions about their hopes and heartaches, fears and families. Each partner was required to answer authentically and listen without judgment. Just frrom this intimate exchange, love blossomed between the participants. The couple ended up married six months later.
So perhaps talk is actually priceless.
In order to cover all your bases, we suggest a two-pronged approach with your girlfriend.
First, action. You must BE and BEHAVE trustworthy and lovingly. So start by checking in with yourself. Are your intentions with your girlfriend genuine? Do you regularly tell her the truth? Do you do what you say you will do? Do you act with kindness?
Second, communication. A common complaint amongst us women is that men don’t actually listen---they try to fix. Sometimes women just want to talk. They’re not looking for a solution to a problem, they just want to be heard. So if she’s discussing aspects of the anxiety she felt at her co-workers party last night, do your best to just be present with her story. Refrain from offering helpful suggestions unless she asks for them. Responding with phrases such as “That seems really hard” or “Wow, it sounds like you handled that really well” will let her know that you are hearing her, without judging her experience or jumping to your own conclusions.
Next, tune in to her energy and ask specific questions. Feel out if she seems upbeat, contemplative or down. Then openly share your perceptions and inquire. For instance, “Sweetheart, it’s wonderful to see you so bright and joyful today! What’s making you so happy?” Or, “Honey, I sense that you are deep in thought. Are you processing something important? Would you like to share?” Or, “Babe, you seem kinda sad. I’d love to hear what’s going on. Wanna talk about it?”
This shows that you see her and you care about what you see.
Don’t be afraid to discuss “deep” topics. Many of us believe that asking our partners about failures, breakups, traumas, family dysfunctions, fears and insecurities is NOT OKAY. Who would want to discuss such “downer” topics? In our opinion, we all do, especially with our loved ones. Yes our shadow sides and dark pasts are not the easiest to reveal. But the bottom line is that we all want to be accepted for our whole selves. Showing your girlfriend that you accept all parts of her—good, bad, ugly, hideous, wounded, and gracious—means that she is safe in your presence. From here true love can grow. Ask to see her whole self by asking questions that reveal more than what is considered presentable, nice, socially acceptable dinner conversation.
And never forget compliments. A genuine exclamation of your enthusiasm for her is always welcome. Regularly acknowledge what you find special/awesome/beautiful about your girl. Tell her “You are just so gorgeous in that sundress!” Or, “I love hearing you talk about astrophysics, tell me more!” Or, “No one makes a lemon pie like you girl, it’s just divine!”
Lastly, always encourage her to pursue her highest calling. If she has mentioned being entranced with Peruvian knitting techniques, encourage her to take a class. If she’s admitted her secret urge to try portrait drawing, get her a set of artist chalk for her birthday. Energetically and verbally support her expansion and growth. We love the people who help us continue to love ourselves and love our lives. Be that person to her.
Good luck and stay in touch!
xoxo Ariel & Simone
I have been emotionally involved (in love) with a boy for two years. We began as casual friends then started hooking up. We have a lot of similar interests---fishing, horseback riding, hunting, dancing at bars on the weekend--it was a natural affinity for each other.
I was never the only girl he was hooking up with, however, but he was pretty much the only boy for me. To put it in perspective, we live on a small town on a small island in Alaska. Despite the men-to-women ratio being pretty high, the pickings are pretty slim. But aside from that, I genuinely love this guy and even if there were several others to choose from, I would still want just him.
Anyway, this guys is an unapologetic player. He is in his early 20's and I can't really blame him. He made it pretty clear that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me or anyone. I had reached the point where I was ok with that because I thought as long as we were on good terms but also having good sex (work in progress) I could at least work on becoming really good friends with him, and I wasn't worried about him getting a girlfriend because he was too much of a player. I think this boiled down to me allowing him to treat me like a doormat because I was too busy being the "cool girl" to really notice what was going on.
The hookups stopped 6 months ago when--SURPRISE--he actually landed a steady girlfriend. I had suspicions when he would just never follow up on invitations to hang out, saying he was busy or had to work or whatever. I had to confirm his relationship status from a mutual friend...
(Smitten edit: Over the next few paragraphs the Reader describes keeping her distance but having little moments of eye contact/silent connection with this guy over several months, culminating with him inviting her to a party that his new girlfriend is not at..)
...we go upstairs and try to have sex but at that point he had whiskey dick and I was not about to give him head for this occasion so we passed out. The next morning we woke up full of regret, except his regret was not hurting two women's feelings but about covering his own ass. My regret was allowing myself to get into this hurtful situation when I knew better.
We haven't spoken since. I have not waved to him or acknowledged him since. His girlfriend had suspicions that something had happened between us (a month later). She asked me and I told her the truth. They broke up. I was still very angry with him for not having the maturity to treat me with some respect as a friend. Like perhaps apologize for being an asshole the morning after considering our history.
I ended up leaving town on vacation and thought I was over it by the time I came home (two weeks ago). Lo and behold he is the first person that I see (and last person i want to see) when I am out horseback riding with my dad. They stopped to talk and I completely ignored him again.
But besides all of this bullshit, I still love this guy and I feel like i have never been completely honest with him and it breaks my heart to think that we really can’t even seem to be friends anymore. So I am wondering what to do now? I know he is leaving town for a family visit. Do I request that he meet me in person after he gets back so that I can admit that I've acted childish and I really just want it to be ok between us? Do I start waving at him again and pretend like nothing happened and just give it some serious time and then maybe the next time we bump into each other I can admit to acting like a child? Or do I just hang tight and icy and eventually he'll come around?
We feel your pain! The crazy, maddening thing about love is that it can make absolutely no sense. In the first chapter of Smitten we each describe our most extreme early choices for romantic partners: men who lied, postured, cheated and stole from us. They were obviously bad choices, yet we still felt deep love for these guys. WTF?
Perhaps one reason we fall in love with less-than-ideal men is because intellectual understanding and emotions are processed in two different parts of the brain. So we might know something intellectually but feel very differently. In your clear logical mind you know this guy is not a positive, loving force holding your heart with precious care. Yet you still love him. Oh yes, we have been there. Most every woman has. And you likely won’t move on until you integrate your intellectual knowing with your emotional intelligence.
So first we’ll address your questions about what to do to repair the relationship: Act icy and aloof? Ask for a meeting and admit to your “childish” behavior? Wave hello and pretend nothing has happened?
Since you know something about the Smitten philosophy, you know that we never advocate for acting inauthentically. Therefore waving hello to him when you don’t really mean it, or acting icy when you’re actually burning up inside are not viable options. This is because they aren’t honest responses. When you act dishonestly, you are reinforcing the belief that it’s not okay to live your truth, or speak what you feel, or be guided by instinct. This will diminish your own inner light. So, no. Do not pretend anything with this guy. Nobody is worth that kind of self-sacrifice.
When you do speak with him (which you eventually will, since you can’t get away from each other on this tiny island!), you must speak what is true in your experience--not what you think you should say in order to make him return as your lover. Communicating your honest experience to him without attacking, blaming or trying to manipulate a favorable result, would be an courageous and powerful act on your part.
Twice you wrote that you have behaved like a child and need to make amends. From our perspective, you have been reacting honestly to his irrational, unkind and self-serving behavior.
We applaud you for taking responsibility for cleaning up your side of the street. This is called emotional and interpersonal maturity.
But when you go beyond your part and try to cross the street and clean up the mess made by the other person, or take blame for their hurtful behavior, it is called enabling and co-dependency. You can’t take full responsibility for the broken state of the relationship. He too has made a mess of things. You can’t clean up his side of the street. That’s his job (it is yet to be seen if he has the heart and nutsack to do it). But making things easy for him in hopes he’ll come back to you could never turn out well. He’ll stay immature and you’ll end up on your knees cleaning piss and shit the entire relationship.
Perhaps we don’t need tell you this because it’s obvious you have a good head on your shoulders, but this guy is not in your stratosphere. He is nowhere near your level of awesomeness. His behavior lacks the sexiest attribute men can possess—personal accountability. We suspect this is due to his young age and immaturity, or perhaps bad parenting and shoddy genetics. Either way it is clear he is deeply insecure.
Yes, he’s the one that is insecure. Here’s why:
He knows you are suffering but it doesn’t affect him because he desperately needs to be liked. He’ll keep you hanging on regardless of the damage this is doing to your heart because his ego is being affirmed by your love for him. He’s insecure about his place in the world and how he measures up, which equals seriously low self-worth. Having multiple women desire him (being a “player”) makes him feel better about himself, and that’s all that matters. His personality is not substantial enough to integrate empathy and compassion which are hallmarks of genuine maturity and confidence.
Maybe one day he’ll grow out of this, maybe not. But you are sure as shit not going to wait around for him. And you sure as shit are not going to apologize or take the blame because he is acting like a limp-dicked little douche-baby.
It is your responsibility to set a standard for yourself in how you want to be loved, and then stick to it. By letting him off the hook you are broadcasting the message that you will take less, that you deserve only scraps, that you are not worth the full feast. Continuing to entertain the idea that he is worth your time will keep you from recognizing someone who truly is. But more importantly, it will keep you from building your adult life on a solid foundation of self-love and self-acceptance. Again, this is a sacrifice too great for anyone to make.
So what to do? You must fill your heart, belly, sexuality up with much richer flavors. You’ve been subsisting on this guy’s tidbits and leftover scraps, but he is a very tiny (and not particularly juicy) fish in a huge boundless sea. You’re Alaskan—tap into the energy of pure natural abundance that is all around you. Ride out into the woods alone on your trusty steed, feel the power between your thighs, springtime on your cheeks, and smell the budding blooms pushing through the frost. Let the solid sensuality of Mother Nature fill your soul. Back in town put on your sexiest lingerie (order some if you’re low on supplies) and go out dancing with your friends. Better yet, take a field trip to the next island over to sample some fresh meat. Flirt your face off. Make out with someone else. Vibe out on your own beauty and vitality.
And yes, see a therapist if you are so inclined. A professional can help you uncover some underlying relationship patterns and make deeper connections that will serve you in your next relationship. Plus therapy is awesome and awesome people like you deserve to experience the riches of heightened self-awareness.
We adore you precious Alaskan babe! Please check in in coming months and let us know how it all unfolds…
Ariel & Simone
(Originally printed on Elite Daily)
I once dated a guy who brimmed with authentic confidence. From the start, we had chemistry and I quickly formed a pretty solid crush on him.
He was in charge of his businesses, took care of his health and enjoyed a positive outlook of himself and those around him. I already had butterflies each time we went out, but then, one night, he blew me away.
We chatted over a glass of wine and I made a joke about my tiny studio apartment. Without missing a beat, he jumped in and made a crack about his “tiny penis.” What? A man making fun of his own tiny penis?
My world was so rocked by his unselfconscious ability to make fun of his most precious man part that I was suddenly wildly smitten. I didn’t care how big his penis was because his balls were clearly gigantic! I was obsessed.
It can, of course, be argued that this man’s moment of self-deprecating humor was just a method to lower his expectations.
Yet, from our perspective, it was the cherry on top of an already abundant chocolate sundae of self-esteem. He could be so real because he knew an inch or two wouldn’t make or break him.
Posturing, puffing out his chest and acting “bigger,” aren’t necessary. He displayed courage to express the truth as he saw it, however risky, unsightly or teeny that truth may have been.
We call this “acting from inner authority,” and it is the first of five ways we define authentic confidence.
Confidence is the sexiest attribute out there. It’s the quality that cuts through age, beauty and economic status. Fortunately, it is available to all. Read on to see how we define it and how you might add more of it to your life.
Yes, applying these principles of confidence will up your magnetism and help others become instantly smitten.
And, they will also make your life more awesome. So, give yourself a little more; you’re gonna love way you feel.
1. Confidence is the ability to act from your inner authority
Most of us get easily swayed by others’ opinions, expectations and what we are “supposed to” do, say and feel. Confident people don’t.
Confident people make decisions from their inner authority, regardless of the outcome or consequences. This doesn’t mean they are immoral or unethical — it’s actually far from it.
Confident people have a respect for others, including themselves. They show it by taking action from their true instincts, not from expectations. If they do go with the grain, they check in with their inner authority first.
Lesson: Check in with yourself before making decisions. Avoid getting caught up in trying to please others by saying the “right” thing or being the “right” kind of person.
Speak what you know to be true under all circumstances. You have the strength to manage any opposition.
2. Confidence is the ability to feel safe being vulnerable
Acting tough actually connotes weakness of character. Confident people are not afraid to express their fears, tell others when they are hurt and let people know about their deeper ambitions, dreams and hopes.
Confident people can show their soft underbellies without fear. Those who lack confidence do all they can to deny their “weakness” and hide it in dark corners of their hearts and minds.
But, someone who is truly self-assured knows the judgment of others or the disappointments of life will never define them. They would never give up their power to outside forces.
Lesson: Allow yourself to be exposed. Cry if you’re in pain, express your authentic disappointments and let others in on the real you. Avoid locking up your heart; it isn’t necessary. Your underbelly is an asset.
3. Confidence is dressing to impress yourself
Confident people tend to look confident. They accept that we live in a visual world and use this to their advantage. They appreciate the reality of their physical body types and dress it accordingly.
Not trying to hide features, they wear clothes that fit, highlight assets and make statements. Not trying to overcompensate, they avoid baring a distracting amount of skin. Confident people dress to express their real selves.
Lesson: Dress yourself as if you’re the lead character in your own smash hit movie. Be real about your body; accept its unique beauty and human flaws. Honor your physical self by adorning it joyfully. Allow others to see you. Stand tall.
4. Confidence is having the strength to remain enthusiastic
Hate, criticism, negativity and disapproval of others are cheap expressions from a person who needs to bolster his or her own weak sense of self.
It is easy to turn “cool” and pessimistic in order to protect against disappointment. Confident people don’t need these strategies; they are able to maintain a youthful sense of joy about life.
If disappointments come their way, they know they can handle them. There’s no need to preempt tragedy. Confident people keep their excitement about life intact, regardless of circumstances or events.
Lesson: Show confidence by being bravely enthusiastic. Let others witness your joy, excitement and delight. Avoid protecting yourself with cynicism. Love fully.
5. Confidence is being on your own path
Confident people know and feel that their lives have purpose. They use their talents, explore their interests and are engaged with the world in a way that reflects their authentic values.
Because they genuinely love the lives they’ve built for themselves, they don’t need others to provide them with a feeling of value and meaning.
This keeps them centered and self-reliant. They will connect with people who enhance their experiences and remove those who block them from walking their paths.
Lesson: Build confidence by living your values. If you hate your job, take action toward finding work you believe in. Consciously make friends who inspire you. Engage in life-enhancing hobbies.
Take pride in the specific way you walk your path. When your life has worth, you feel self-worth. Self-worth equals self-confidence.
Early courtship communications by text, email and phone should be used solely to set up dates and express enthusiasm for those dates - NOT to discuss your recently dead goldfish. Personal stuff should be shared in person.
Once you know you want to meet, make the date happen STAT. Online they might be pixel-perfect but things might feel quite different live and uncut.
Take all information at face value. Do Not spin wild tales or build castles in the sky. Respond directly to the words that are written.
Refrain from snap judgements. He’s not a douche just because he used an emoticon.
Respond according to your upright standards of clear and kind communication. Do not get subtly dickish because you think you’re picking up on bitchiness.
Do not fake aloofness or leave someone waiting unnecessarily in hopes that they will think you are special or in high demand. That’s just lame.
Communicate at a time when you think they will be able to communicate back. No sneaky texting out of uncertainty about a response.
If he or she is totally unresponsive, or backs out, no stress. You did your part. You were clear, honest and upfront. Don’t wallow in rejection. It ain’t personal.
Once you’ve arrived for your date, be completely present, experience the other person wholeheartedly. Tuck your phone into a dark corner of your purse and find out if love might actually be in the air.
Basically, text unto others as you would have texted unto you!
Absolutely vital - DO NOT CYBER STALK YOUR DATES. Really. No Googling. No Insta-ing. Not even FB.
Here's my question. If a girl puts a guy into the friend-zone. Should he ever 'try again' or just move on?
This is one of those general questions that actually requires specific analysis. We can’t know for sure which course of action to advise unless we get some details. Who’s the guy, who’s the girl and what were the circumstances of her friend-zoning you? Since we don’t know any of these answers, here are some possibilities and their corresponding courses of action:
You started out as friends, nothing romantic has ever transpired, yet you’ve always felt you were in the friend zone: Give it a shot.
Something romantic did happen, and then she asked to just be friends: Move on.
Something happened and then fizzled with no explanation and time has passed: Try again.
She has always and continues to talk about how great a friend you are and how much she values your friendship: Move on.
Nothing has ever happened, and she is newly single: Make a play.
The friendship is important to you and your urge is probably just a desire to see her naked: Don’t fuck with it.
You’re desperately in love with her - regardless of what has or has not gone down: Go for it.
Living the Smitten life means taking risks from time-to-time and showing a little heart. It’s not our style to fearfully guard ourselves under a thick shield of armadillo armor. We believe in reaching out to what is calling us, even when it’s scary. Especially when it’s scary! So if your gut is telling you there is romantic potential with this gal, then follow it. The worst thing that could happen is that she says “no”. Well, then you got the information you need and now have closure. This means you can move on and offer your love to someone who is excited to receive it. Either way, acting with courage shows you’ve got confidence. Remember, fortune favors the bold, and confidence is the key to making panties drop. Go with that.
xoxo Ariel and Simone
Check out our interview with the lovely Eddie Baller, creator of man-centric blog Ultimate Man Builder. A place for men to get in touch with their Integrity and their Alpha. Eddie promotes consciousness, kindness and accountability. Love him. xox
I'm online dating on Zoosk. What is with guy's wanting to get your email or go on yahoo messenger to chat further? They say it's for privacy - aren't our Zoosk chats private?
Thank you for your question. These little rules of love can be quite confusing!
We’re guessing that when a guy asks to go “offsite” with you, it’s his way of letting you know he’s interested in you specifically and wants to forge a more personal connection. Taking your communication off the dating site is about separating you from the many many other fish in the profile sea. You can take this as an indicator that he’s making the move toward getting more personal.
So now the choice is in your hands. Do you feel comfortable giving this guy your details? Are you interested in getting together? If so, go for it. Chances are if you do meet up you’re going to have each other’s phone numbers, at least for logistical purposes. Sending a quick text is a lot easier than finding wifi, opening an app, and scrolling through an inbox to say you’ll be ten minutes late.
If you’re still not sure, keep it all on the dating site. No pressure to make up your mind.
In general, when online dating we do recommend taking it offscreen and meeting up in person as soon as possible. He might seem so perfect in 2-D… but face to face he’s often a horse of a whole different color. Best to cut right to the chase and find out.
Have fun! Lets us know how it goes!
xoxo Ariel and Simone
I live in the Toronto area and I'm 57. I've never been married and have no children (long story!). I am in pretty good shape (6.1" tall, athletic build) and I really like younger women (early 40's or even younger) Everyone says I could pass for 45. Questions...is it possible for someone my age to have a successful relationship with someone younger than me and if so, how do I find them?
Of course it’s possible for you to have a relationship with a younger woman. Anything is possible, everything is negotiable. Chemistry knows no generational limits. We have both dated older men - some just ten years older and one thirty years older - and we tend to prefer a man with some seniority. Many women do. We often seem to be more mature than our male peers, so dating up makes sense. She may not know your Star Trek references and you might be lost when she tells you “Losing My Religion” will always remind her of when Dylan and Brenda broke up, but these are surmountable differences.
We’re not sure what you mean by a “successful” relationship, but if you’re talking about monogamy and longevity, well then it’s probably best to not bind your life to someone more than 20 years your junior, as this can pose lifestyle incompatibilities. We all have different energy levels at different “seasons” of life, and as you move into your golden years she might get that mid-40’s itch to start a new career, travel the world, explore her sexuality in strange new ways and rhythms. If you want a long-term partner, you want to make sure your priorities are in sync, and major age differences can equal majorly different needs in life. Just something to keep in mind.
So if what you’re asking for is our permission to pursue a pretty young thing, you have it. We won’t think you’re a creepy old Canadian.
And like all women of all ages, you will find them anywhere and everywhere. The grocery store, the gym, the internet, out at bars, restaurants, parties and playdates. Approach, compliment, offer a kind and gentlemanly invitation that’s hard to refuse and see what unfolds.
One rule: Never lie about your age. Never ever ever. She will find out and you will then become a creepy old Canadian. Be up front and unapologetic from the start. Your age is your age. It’s super cool you’re so fit and youthful. Be proud. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
So good luck! Venture forth and devour as much nubile flesh as you like! We know we would.
xo Ariel and Simone
I’m totally crazy about this guy I been seeing. He’s the 1 for me. I loved him from the moment we met. He’s a trucker but I trust him with all my heart. I want to have him all to myself, but he wants to be just friends, with sex of course, but I think he’s just doing this as he’s been hurt b4. I told him I adored him and wanted more. It seems like he don’t want to leave and does. What can I do to make him stay in my life always? He’s just awesome and I think he loves me but hasn’t said it yet. We have great times together and I’m so happy to see him I can hardly breathe. Plz help me keep him. I don’t want nobody else in my life ever again, just him.
What a beautiful open heart you have! We are so touched by your affection for your Trucker, and your candid declaration of this love. And we feel you! We have both fallen head over heels for men that resist commitment even though there's clearly a very special connection. It can be terribly frustrating when you see the potential in the partnership, but he shies away.
The first order of business, before you take action with him, is to get crystal clear on the type of relationship you want to be in (whether or not it's with him). It sounds like you want to have a fun, playful, exclusive partnership that you can invest your heart in for years to come. It sounds like you deeply value monogamy - that it's through this loyal commitment that you feel free and safe to love fully. Fantasize deeply about the feeling of being in your ideal partnership. Viscerally feel what it would give you. Believe that this is possible. Now let's move on to him...
There are various ways to approach such an unwieldy man so buckle up, cause we're gonna give you a couple routes you could choose to take. As you read on feel which option rings the truest, and remember that there is no way to make someone do something (unfortunately – it sure would make life easier!). You can only state your needs and wants clearly. You cannot control Trucker. Or anyone for that matter. But through being real and upfront, you have the highest chance of success.
That being said, here are some options...
1. Lay down the law: Tell him you can't just be friends with sex on the side. Describe the relationship you actually want to be in. Tell him you like him too much and it hurts your heart to know he can't be loyal to you. Let him know if he wants to be your sexual partner, you need exclusive commitment to feel safe and free. And then stick to it! Set your standard and stay strong. In this scenario you can send him the occasional text to remind him that you love him and miss him. But in-person meetings are not advisable, unless he's interested in talking turkey about a bigger commitment.
2. Go with it as it stands: acknowledge that you can't have it all from him right now and stay with the situation as it is. Keep building the friendship, and have the occasional sexual encounter if you want to. Find out if as time goes by your love grows or dwindles. You reserve the right to lay down the law at any moment. On the upside, you don't risk losing him. On the downside, you might feel perpetually unsatisfied.
Furthermore, dig deeper into your attraction to this unavailable man and ask yourself what your intense passion is all about. Sometimes when we have this kind of crazy desire for someone, it can signify love but it may also signify areas where we need healing. Intensity in romance is usually connected to past events and to messages we received from our father and mother.
So, was dad's love spotty and inconsistent? Does your Trucker’s come-and-go ways feel familiar? Did mom send you the message that you aren't worthy of a fully committed partner? Reread the chapter "Fundamentals of the Self-Realizing Flirt" in Smitten to probe these questions.
No matter which direction you choose, remember that with or without him, you will be okay. You don’t need him. If he can’t give you the relationship you want, there will be other men who can. If you part ways it will hurt, but you will survive. Do not forget that you are a fully awesome, totally beautiful and capable woman – with or without Trucker in your life.
In the meantime continue to fantasize about your perfect partnership in all its color and flavor. Focused thought is incredibly powerful. If you stay with your vision it will either come true with him, or with a different man who can party at your level.
We got your back. Xxx
I'm a college student and I met this girl through a group of friends. She liked me first actually and I decided to pursue her. I've been to her house, tried to kiss her (fail), took her on a date as well. I've kind of been distant towards her at school and I don't text her anymore. Of course she doesn't text me either. I really like this girl and I feel like somewhere along the line she used to like me a lot too. What can I do to show her that I'm the one who she should be paying attention to?
Thank you for your question. Your sincerity and honesty are so lovely.
This seems to be a case of miscommunication, or lack of communication. Somewhere, somehow the wires between you and this girl got crossed.
We’re curious to know what happened with the failed kiss. Did she flat out turn her head, was she caught unexpectedly, does she need to take things more slowly? If you felt rejected after your make-out attempt, It makes sense that you would distance yourself. Although by avoiding her she most likely assumes that you are not interested, that she disappointed you or you’ve moved on - and she’s avoiding you as a result.
To get the information you need, we say push the moment to its crisis. An in-person conversation or phone call are best. Texting is too ambiguous and leaves too much room for misinterpretation. Call her up and tell her you’d like to start over. Let her know you think she’s great and would love to spend some time together. Then suggest a time and place (be specific) to meet for a drink. Something along the lines of “How about a drink this Thursday at Clive’s Tavern?”
Yes, we know this can be scary. But that’s precisely why it’s so sexy when men do it! A bold, upfront action shows you’ve got balls. It’s confident, and therefore highly appealing. You’re not pussyfooting around, waiting for a sign of affection. You’re putting yourself on the line because you’ve got courage, self-confidence and hootzpah! HOT.
And if she doesn’t go for it, forget her. Don’t waste your love, your precious thoughts and your fantastic energy on someone who isn’t in a place to receive it. Let her go. You will have done everything you possibly could and can then walk away with no regrets. This is a life well lived. Whether or not you “get what you want” in the moment, the bigger purpose is to live by your principles of honesty, courage and love. This is what makes you a totally awesome guy now and will help you continue to develop into a totally awesome man.
So, make a move and get the information. You’ll either shift to the next level with this girl or be freed up to move on to someone else.
Write us in the comments and let us know what happens!! We can’t wait to hear.
So you made the brave move - texted the dude - and now you can't stop obsessing over your phone, wondering if/when he's gonna hit you back. We know how you're feeling: jittery, anxious, maybe even a little loose in the bowels. Awesome! You're alive and this moment is teeming with excitement! But we don't want you to have a panic attack or sink into a vortex of abandonment issues while playing the waiting game. So the following are some of Ariel and Simone's tried-and-true ways to handle the silent space before you get a response.
1. Ariel: Scrub the Kitchen Floor - The manic energy that comes with sending the guy I like a text can be very positively put to use on the tiles of my kitchen floor. When else would I be obsessive enough to toothbrush the cracks? Never. Scrub it out til your phone goes "bing!"
2. Simone: Drink Tequilla - Some might think this strange advice coming from a psychotherapist, but the fact is tequilla makes you forget pretty much everything. Every mind-altering substance has its time and place, and what better time to take advantage of this medicinal Mexican liquid? Conscious ignorance can be a real bliss. I like the mini bottles of Patron. Soak off the label afterwards and they make great bud vases!
3. Ariel: Pull a Tarot Card - I may be a yoga teacher but I’m not one to trust any old mystical tricks. However, the Tarot cards are the real deal. When I'm nervous about a dude’s reply and pull a card on the essence of the relationship, the Tarot ALWAYS gives me solid insight. Sometimes it's not all sunshine and kittens - the Devil card has come up more times than I care to admit. But I can count on the Tarot to point out hidden aspects of the dynamic and get me real again. Getting real soothes the heart and soul, always.
4. Simone: Masturbate - When you’re too in your head, it’s a good idea to drop back into your body. Self-pleasuring with a little coconut oil is the perfect way. If you’re fantasizing about the guy while in the act, this will send positive loving sexy vibes into the universe. He’ll most likely pick up on your wavelength and the phone will blow up before you even finish.
5. Ariel: Put on House Music and Work My Core - Clearly, one of the main reasons I texted him is because he's super sexy. And I want to be sexy with him. So with the post-text adrenaline it feels amazing to blast house music with a wall-quaking beat and do every single core exercise I know. Both connecting to my power center, and prepping my bod for my next lingerie-clad encounter. Two birds ladies... two birds with one text. Sorry neighbors.
6. Simone: Thrift Shopping - Even if you are impulse buying, you can’t do too much damage in a place where cashmere costs $9.99. Plus, thrift stores provide the thrill of the hunt. You’ve got to do some sifting to find a gem, which is my forte. The local Goodwill is my fave. I found the cutest velvet floral jacket the other day while waiting for my latest dude’s response. Thank you latest dude! I’ll wear it for you!
7. Ariel: Make a Stylish Date with One of My Girlfriends - Another reason I texted is because I’m craving a cinematic escapade in the city that never sleeps. So if it doesn’t pan out will I be deprived of my desired adventure? No way. Not if I message one of my girls and plan a dazzling night out. This way I'm not dependent on him for an epic evening. I've got one lined up already... He's just frosting on my already satisfying cake.
8. Simone: Kiss a Rando - It is not healthy to spend too much time feeling deprived of sexy attention. Trust me, I’m a professional. So when I’m waiting around like a lump on a log, I just walk out my front door and go find someone else to make out with. In this city, it’s never hard. As Ariel can attest, I’ve got countless stories from men I’ve met while just walking down the street. Plus it’s really tough to check your inbox when you’ve got some guy’s tongue in your ear.
9. Ariel: Keep Building My Empire - We're well into the age of women's lib, but when caught in the throes of a fresh romance I still sometimes get haunted by the thought that I need the guy to "save" me. It's like all the ghosts of my female ancestors wake up and start hovering around my smartphone. When those old broads are wringing their ghostly hands I know it's time to kick my inner damsel in the ass and work on my empire. Shoot a bold email to a new contact, design a fresh workshop, write an article... Take life by the balls and erect another turret. Gosh the view is nice from up here!
10. Simone: Glitter Shells - Getting crafty puts you in touch with the part of you that doesn’t give a hoot about the game of love and doesn’t even know what a text is. Yes it may have been eons ago, but the child inside never feels disconnected from love because she is love. Don’t ever forget who you are and where you’ve come from. Get out the glitter and glue and nurture the child, the goddess, the woman and the creative human you are.
Originally printed on SheKnows.com:
I met someone in 2009. Over the years we became friends and only started dating on a romantic level within the last 6-9 months. We have been getting along quite well and developed this unexplainable passion. One thing he admits to like about me is my ability to make sound decisions. A few weeks ago I made a poor decision that interrupted the spark we have. To sum up what happened - we had arrived separately at an event, and loosely made plans to leave together. My ex-boyfriend was also at the event. When it was time to leave, I accepted a ride from my ex and came directly to my house. It was just a ride, nothing more! My new guy's friends were at the event, and the bottom line is he felt embarrassed, and he has lost trust. Even though we are past that episode somewhat, I feel as though the spark we had prior to that night has dwindled. Over the years that he chased me, I did not make it easy for him, but one poor decision changed things a little. Any suggestions on how to regain his trust and regain that incredible spark and chemistry? Thanks!
A couple questions: Why were your plans to leave with your new guy only “loose”? Did you see him at the event? If so, were you there as a couple, or is your relationship undefined? Did you feel like your new man wasn’t owning you as his lady? Did you have the urge to take the ride home with your ex because you didn’t feel like your new man was stepping up and taking care of you? Like there was ambiguity and perhaps you wanted to remind him that you have other options?
The sexy spark that comes with new romance is AMAZING but it can also be unreliable. At some point in life a strong breeze will come along, and will cause the flame to flicker, or even be blown out. Someone’s feelings get bruised, and the reality of your imperfect humanness kicks in. This is not wrong, it’s just reality. And if both partners want the relationship to continue, they need to face the less-sparkly facts of what that strong breeze churned up. We suspect that there are deeper truths in this dynamic, and the events of that fateful evening, that have not yet been explored. A ride home with your ex is never “just a ride, nothing more”, because the fact is, you let him play the role of your man for that short span of time. Even without swapping saliva, it was intimate and also a pointed choice by you, given your “loose plans” to leave with your new man. So what we REALLY want to know is: Why did you take the ride? We are pretty sure that you knew you were playing with fire, even if you aren’t admitting it to yourself yet. So, WHY? What need did you hope it would fill? What message did you want it to send?
The truth shall set you, and your man, free. And by “free” we don’t mean that you’ll be free of each other, we mean that it will free you to know/understand/love each other more deeply, to commit to the next phase of your relationship. A major part of the healing is humbly acknowledging your poor judgement, telling him that in retrospect you see that it was a big deal, that he is right for having hurt feelings. Telling him how hurt you’d feel if he drove his ex home. Then we dare you to drop your defenses and uncover the sweet, vulnerable, scary reason that you took the ride, and communicate with your new man your truest truth that’s way beneath the surface of this choice. Share your only-humanness with him. Make this painful experience a reason to deepen the bond, instead of sever it. Then start to build a whole fire together, instead of just dancing around that spark.
A breakup might seem like a major bummer at first, but it's actually a golden opportunity to leave the past behind and inhabit a more fabulous version of yourself. For inspiration, we turn to JLo, the queen of staying sexy after splitting up. Follow her lead to let go of the past and live even larger post-partnership.
1. Go back to the block
You may have lost the love of your ex, but you've still got all your loving people back home. So don't gyp yourself out of the joy of hangin' with your original peeps. Go back to the block and reconnect with your roots. Get enchiladas from your favorite spot. Share a shake with your kid sister. Cash in on the comfort of your extended family. Remind yourself of who you were before the relationship lived and died. Drench yourself in old-school love.
2. Live your single life on the floor
Banish the baggy clothing from your closet and take your style to new heights. Highlight your curves. Show off your cocoa-buttered skin. Walk around in only rhinestone pumps. Dress like the liberated diva you always wanted to be, then hit the floor. Find any excuse to dance... morning, noon or night. Stay out until the club closes and you've sweated your ex out of your shimmering pores.
3. Keep yourself iced
Celebrate your freedom with a serious commitment to some fresh ice. Diamond earrings, a sapphire anklet, an emerald encrusted ring... just do it. Then flash it all around town like you're the queen of the night. Because you are.
4. Pop bubbly on a yacht with your girls
Plan a glamorous vacation. Immediately. Somewhere that makes you feel luxurious and sensual. Pack impractically with more rhinestone pumps and leather halters than you'll ever have time to wear. Go with your favorite friends. Find a fresh young Papi and shamelessly flirt your face off.
5. Write a new song
A broken heart can bring a huge burst of creative energy. JLo would never waste this moment on tears and television. Instead she would record a new album and let the world know that even though her heart is in pieces her booty is as bumpin' as ever. You do the same. Paint a gallery's worth of pictures. Revamp your apartment. Start a business venture. Get off your sexy ass and make something awesome with that post-breakup burst. This split is your excuse to make JLo proud and get loud.
I have a paradox I’d like you to help solve. On the one hand, the women I’ve been with have (rightly) asked for emotional intimacy, honesty, and self-disclosure. I’ve been willing to go there — ie I’ve made myself emotionally vulnerable. However, I’ve found that some women paradoxically can’t handle it, or shy away, or, at worst, find it off-putting. In other words when it comes down to it they find real emotional honesty challenging. They seem to prefer more distant, emotionally disengaged men. Have I just been with the wrong women? Or is there a better way to strike a balance between sexy intimacy and sexy remoteness?
It sounds like you’re getting a whole lot of mixed messages. Mixed messages are downright confusing. We gotta admit, these women are confusing us too… So when times get confusing, we suggest going back to the fundamental, unchanging source—yourself. This means that you have to do YOU. Always. You've got to offer up the level of emotional intimacy, honesty and personal disclosure that reflects the kind of communication that turns you on. You must function in the relationship the way that works for you, and sets the stage for the kind of connection you want to build. Period. What she does with it is her business, and always GOOD INFORMATION. Because if she can't party at your level, you don't wanna party with her.
However, there is a little caveat here. When you are open/vulnerable you must make sure you are operating from inner wholeness. If you are spilling your guts on the floor and expecting her to spoon them up and stuff them back inside you, this will lead to problems. It is entirely possible to be open, real and present but not burden the other person with all the nuances of you. Share/show: Yes. Shovel/dump: No.
So when you are communicating from your most honest place, be sure you aren't also expecting her to approve or take care of your gooey guts. You are showing the real stuff because you choose to live real, not because you need someone to hold your heavier stuff for you, which can lead to unhealthy co-dependence. Striking this balance will keep the ballsy bold real chicks in the game while weeding out the flighty flaky co-dependent dames. Capish?
I had an extremely passionate relationship with my last girlfriend (ie we had fantastic sex). After our break-up almost eight months ago I haven’t so much as kissed a woman. My sexual desire has sunk as low as it was once high, and my self-esteem has been shaken to the core. I don’t want to be a traumatized wreck when I make love to the next woman (whenever that may be!). What do you recommend? Full disclosure that I’m coming off an intense relationship or just go with the flow and hope for the best?
This is such a great & sexy question! We recommend that when the next lucky lady (you are obviously a divine lover, so she's certainly lucky) comes along, you disclose nothing. Sure, you could tell all, but why take the freshness out of this new connection by bringing up your sex life with your ex? It sullies the purity. So instead, pretend you've just risen like a phoenix from the ashes, brand new and dangerously virile. We suspect that all your male prowess will come rushing right back. Eight short months could never erase the expertise you’ve built over your lifetime.
Though since you have been on hiatus, remember that when the moment arises GO SLOW. Women LOVE a slow, sensual approach. Take the time to smell her neck and lightly kiss her behind her ear. Keep your clothes on as you unbutton her blouse. Instead of stressing about your manly member, focus your attention on her experience. Make it a game to give her tiny doses of pleasure without plunging in too fast (literally and figuratively). Don't compare her or the experience to your last love. Instead see this woman and moment as it is—brand new. That newness can be an incredible turn-on. Just take in the intimate encounter one breath at a time and FIND OUT if you are, in fact, a "traumatized wreck", or if you might actually be a brand new man. And if your body (ahem, cock) is not up for the task just breathe and tell her you got overwhelmed with her insane feline magic. Then continue to focus on giving her pleasure, in whichever way you feel compelled to give it. She'll want you even more the next time.
This Article Originally Appeared On Racked.com
Recently, the authors of Smitten: The Way of the Brilliant Flirt stopped by Bucktown's Edith Hart boutique to spread their lash-batting gospel to the ladies of Chicago. Authors Ariel Kiley and Simone Kornfeld helped customers find the ultimate looks for summery date nights. And in case you missed it, we got a few snaps of the flirty looks. Take a peek at the gallery below, and check out the links for buying info.
Smitten authors Simone Kornfeld and Ariel Kiley wear Wildfox's Cassidy tanks, $71 each.
By Keepsake the Label, this Begin Again top, $135, has a romantic-but-relaxed style. Pair it with the Elise chiffon skirt, $66, and the C/Fan green envelope clutch, on sale for $50.
Simone gets hoop-y in mixed-metal hoop earrings, $42
By Honey Punch, this cute Floral Ruffle Romper is just $52
For another cute floral look, try slip on Tigerlilly's Renaissance Floral onesie(left), $198
Simone sports Paper Crown's Pier Skirt, $194. The sunset hues make this perfect for sunset cocktails, right?
This Article Originally Appeared On Zoozk.com
Looking forward to meeting your favorite match for dinner and drinks? Dazzle him with your confidence and self awareness. Although you have everything you need to make the best impression, the authors of Smitten: The Way of the Brilliant Flirt, have 3 Secrets that will help you make the most memorable first date imaginable.
1) Be Decisive and Upstanding
Whenever we ask our male cohorts what they think the sexiest attribute in a woman is, they always say the same thing–confidence. Let your confidence show by conveying what you want. Don’t expect the man to make all the date decisions, saying “I don’t know” when you really do. Don’t try squeezing yourself into an agreeable ball of mush. Agreeable balls of mush don’t make solid first impressions. Stand out by carrying yourself with confidence–this means making clear decisions and behaving with integrity.
If you want to make him truly smitten with you, show your confidence by suggesting a great sushi spot, looking him in the eye as he picks up the check, assertively going in for a smooch, or sending a sweet thank-you text in the morning. Remember, do this regardless of whether your date responds in kind. Always uphold your social standards of grace and integrity.
2) Be Completely Present with Him
Get to know the real live three-dimensional man in front of you. Don’t let yourself obsess about whether or not he likes you. Instead, focus on him. If you want to leave a lasting impression, earnestly connect with your date. When you look at him, don’t just superficially evaluate him for his breeder-potential, really see him.
When beginning to converse, stay away from the usual topics. Instead, ask a quirky question to inspire a personal response. When he answers, really listen to the nuances of the response instead of just giggling and agreeing. Don’t just spend the evening evaluating how he measures up to your needs, beliefs, hopes, and wishes.
3) Express your Enthusiasm
Step it up a notch by not just showing your enthusiasm for the environment, but also your excitement for him. So many women tell us they are fearful of doing this because they want to seem “cool” and “unaffected”. Boring. To be able to say “I’m having so much fun on this date, I’m so glad we met” or “You’re so uniquely intelligent – it’s really attractive,” takes courage and shows real confidence. You’re not waiting to be “liked” first. You don’t need his approval to reveal how you feel. Having this level of confidence is damn sexy. And very rare.
To make him smitten, you must bring yourself fully: your integrity, your clarity, your curiosity, your enthusiasm, and your joy. Don’t wait to see what he seems to like or dislike and then adjust. Show your true self. If he’s not a fan, forget him; he’s not your guy. Don’t force it. Instead, continue living your awesome life, perusing profiles and setting up the next date with the guy who is.
Hi Ladies, I met someone about six months ago, we hit it off, had major chemistry, and verbalized all of our feelings from the get go.His words and actions demonstrated that he was VERY into me. He did have a lot of baggage-- a child,an ex-wife, and a very demanding job. Long story short, he freaked out and realized things were moving way too quickly for him (which by the way were moved at this pace by him). I was so SURE that it would turn into a relationship, but I was so wrong. It is hard for me to trust my gut now. I know that I had a hand in this by pursuing someone who was not fully available and thus being able to keep my walls up at the same time, but I was willing to take the risk. I have dated other guys since but still can't get him out of my head/heart. We have recently started communicating again, but he has made it pretty clear that although he is still into me, he just isn't ready for something serious. Is this really it? Would it be different if he were the right person? I know I probably need to move on but I keep holding on to how strongly we felt at the beginning. Where do I go from here?
This Sucks. This sucks this sucks this suuuuuuuuucks. Did we mention how much this sucks? We know this sucks with total confidence because we are currently going through almost the exact same scenario. (More precisely, Simone is going through it, and Ariel mine as well be too because she’s obligated to continually listen, analyze and console throughout the process. That’s what besties are for!).
What blows is that there is clearly a deep connection between you two. That isn’t always easy to find. Yet something in him is resistant to prioritizing and nurturing that connection. The kids, ex and job of course play a part in his resistances, but we suspect that this is more of a psychological and emotional issue rather than a circumstantial one. These blocks typically don’t show themselves in the early phases. But at some point—usually when confronted with the possibility of deeper intimacy and vulnerability—they tend to rear their ugly heads. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It’s not your fault and it’s not personal. He will have to do his own work to overcome whatever issues he has around relationship. The bottom line for you is that he’s not ready. You can’t change that. It sucks so hard, but you have to let him go.
The process for actually doing this can be a real bitch. There are a few methods that can help: Communicate clearly: Next time you talk let him know how you’re really truly feeling. Don’t pretend you are okay with just a tiny bit of connection if you aren’t. If you still feel love for him you can absolutely tell him. Let him know how his leaving felt, and the process you are in now. Give him clear information so you know your side of the street is clean. This will help you move on.
Energetic Visualization: If you’re constantly thinking of him, practice severing your energetic connection. Whenever he pops into your mind, imagine his image in pink light and then let him float away like a cloud from your energy field. This way you are sending him on with love (pink light) but not attaching to him. You may have to do this a hundred times a day. Eventually, it will be less and less. This practice is not out of malice for him (he’s not a bad guy, just limited) but out of love and care for yourself.
Distracting: Keep distracting yourself with other romances. We know they may all feel flat at first, but it’s important to continue to have sexy flirty experiences as you process this loss. Indulge in your beauty, your sensual body, and your magnetic spirit. Let other men remind you how awesome and how desirable you truly are. You may not settle on any of them or you may meet your next romantic partner. Either way the point is to keep providing yourself with experiences that reinforce the message that this guy is not the only fish in the sea, you are eternally lovable and desirable, and it’s actually really fun to be free and unattached. One day you won’t be, but for now, keep reveling in the freedom, adventure and spontaneity singlehood gives you.
Trust and Faith: Remember that you don’t yet know the meaning of this affair. That information hasn’t yet been revealed. It can only become clear over time. Continue to trust in Divine Timing—the principal that states all events happen in perfect time, even if we can’t see the meaning. Things fall into place or fall away according to a divine plan. The best thing we can do is to trust the ride and walk through the doors that are opening, and walk away from the doors that shut, knowing that it’s all going to be very much okay, no matter what happens.
In terms of your gut, don’t be too quick to dismiss it. You were lead to this man for a reason. He is a teacher for you. Even if the lesson is still murky and painful, it still has some important meaning. Again, you don’t know what the meaning is yet. Trust that it will eventually become clear.
And lastly, know that you will fall in love again. You will. You will. You will. That is absolutely true. You have love in your heart to give. It’s impossible that that love will not attract more love. There is an unbending energetic principal that states “like attracts like”. So when you feel pain, let yourself feel it and then move on to sensing and seeing that beautiful glow of love in your heart. Send it out into the space around you and let it be the beacon that brings you your next romantic adventure. It will happen. We know it. Trust us. Trust yourself. You’re right on course.